Ways to make Arya Homicidal
by NekoVampireNinja
Summary: Wanna annoy our favourite elf? Find out how here! Please note: We do not give insurance for any bodily harm or if you end up screwed in a ball in a dung heap. Eragon now has his own section of the Fic, how to make Eragon Homicidal!
1. Chapter 1

Ways to make Arya Homicidal! (It's really easy! Try it!)

Find non-toxic food dye and shape meat into shapes of veggie's. Then use food dye to colour. Give it to Arya and run! (tip: use toxic food dye if you want to be eeeeeeeeeeeeeevil!!!!... But then, that wont make her homicidal, just dead)

Get her to invite you into her room, then point to the picture of foalin and say "Man, he was ugly!"

Tell her the only reason she hugs her knees is 'coz she's got no one else to hug.

Grab her sword at first available moment and run around the Varden/Ellesmera screaming: "She's going to kill me!!!!"

Scream: "She's going to kill me!!!!" Even if you don't have her sword. It still works.

Tell Eragon that you heard Arya admit her undying love to him.

Constantly stare at her while she is trying to concerntrate.

Stand on the nearest available roof and scream to the world that Arya wears pink undies.

Tell Eragon that Arya needs to see her urgently and push him into the tent while she's dressing. (Herself, preferably not a salad.)

Join Arya and Eragon on a voyage a long way away and throw away their vegetables.

Blame it on the squirrels (points to wide eyed squirrel in tree)

Grab squirrel and stab it to death in front of them, then cook it and offer them some.

Onve you have gotten Arya extremely mad, run as war away as possible and dont bother her again for a few days. If symptoms persist consult your nearest 'I-just-made-a-super-powerful-elf-want-to-murder-me' doctor and invite Arya in for a cup of tea with him.


	2. Chapter 2

The Idiots Treasury.

10 WAYS TO MISUSE:

SAPHIRA:

Alarm clock

Mace

Horse

Knife sharpener.

Little sister basher (though I wouldn't call it MISUSE…)

Pin cushion

Giant blueberry

A hill to roll down. (ouch)

A cigarette lighter

A portable Fire starter

ZAR'ROC

Vaulting pole

Walking stick

Tuning fork

Knife Sharpener

Body dissection knife

Little sister's pillow (not a bad idea…)

Dinner knife

Welcoming mat. (not recommended if you want guests)

Horse whip

Sword Swallowing

ARYA'S TEMPER

Steal anything from her

Tell her she got off at the wrong stop, Santa's house is THAT way!

Call her and a high Eragon together

Point out that Foalin is dead.

Point to the picture of Endevar/Foalin and call him ugly.

Ask her if she wears leather, what did she do with the cow it came from

Ask why if Elves value peace so much, do they train to fight, and fight in wars.

Tell her to brighten up; the world isn't ending, yet…

Ask her what the blood-oath celebration, and every time she finishes explaining it, say "SORRY! COULDN'T HEAR YOU! WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

Ask why Foalin made her the 'black blossomy' thing


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello all! Sorry for the MASSIVE no update area. I kinda, got bored :P. I recently went into my inbox however and lyk, i had heaps of fan mail! :) so here I go. Ten or so ways to make Eragon Homicidal.**

**abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz**

1. Run up behind him, grab his nose and scream "got your nose!"

2. Run up behind him and do the whole 'bzzzz' thing to his stomach.

3. Run up behind him and say "I'm going to eeeeeeat you."

4. Run up behind him and - heck - just run up behind him coz u can!

5. In conjunction with no. 1, don't do it around Saphira, because, I can tell you, you don't want a 400lb dragon grabbing his nose back!

6. Cut down his treehouse.

7. Say he's into old women

8. Tell him he's a fictional character.

9. Tell him the authour of his book left the readers hanging for years and we don't know how Arya dumped him

10. When he asks how we know Arya DID dump him, raise your eyebrow.

11. Tell him his life sounds a lot like a soap opera - everyone is related to everyone.

12. Ask why he is so naive

13. Tell him you aren't gay.

14. When he says 'so', tell him you are officially out of bounds for him

15. Tell him if he goes emo ONE MORE TIME, you are going to make sure he misses his wrists and gets his throat.

16. Tell him that although he is not real, you are.

17. Run around Alagasia screaming 'I'm a real boy!'

18. Give him a lecture on why this was NOT a cliche.

19. Buy him a Japanese dictionary -or some other spaz language - and tell him these are Ancient words that he SHOULD be able to read.

20. Make sure YOU can read them

21. Improvisation works too.

22. Ask him WHY his mother left the nice, safe palace owened by the evil bd dragon rider and left him in grotty old Carvahal.

23. Tell him everything you just did to him has been stuck on .

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBIL!


End file.
